Orlando 22 Indiana 17
The league launched its experiment to replace leather basketballs with concrete ones. Scoring was limited, both backboards were badly damaged, and every player besides A.J. Price was injured.
LA Clippers 109 Houston 100
The Clippers got inside Rocket point guard Kyle Lowry's head. Lowry's cranium was irreparably damaged.
Phoenix 111 Detroit 92
Ben Gordon incited controversy when his new sneaker endorsement campaign was launched. Onlookers were baffled at his "I lose basketball games, then you buy my shoes and I get paid" slogan. Gordon went 0-for-39.
LA Lakers 98 Washington 97
Foolish Derek Fisher made an embarrassing free throw with one dumb second left on the stupid clock to seal an absurd victory for the buffoonish Lakers.
Friday, November 11, 2011
Milwaukee 11 Philadelphia 11
In honor of 11-11-11, both teams agreed to play to an 11-all tie. This outcome was reached three minutes into the first quarter. Coincidentally, a total of 111 shot clock violations were recorded during the remainder of the contest. When asked why the teams did not agree to play to 111 points, Philadelphia head coach Doug Collins said that would be "kind of a pain."
Phoenix 104 Indiana 101
Steve Nash drop kicked a game-winning three-pointer as time expired. Nash explained the unorthodox shot as a result of a complex wager. "If I had won, Robin Lopez would've had to shoot a free throw with his tongue," said Nash.
Utah 109 Atlanta 95
A lunch mishap in a masonry yard earlier in the day resulted in Al Horford literally throwing up bricks.
New Orleans 21 Golden State 17
None of the players or officials noticed that the game ball had been switched with a beach ball until they realized the score was still tied at zero at the end of the third quarter.
Memphis 91 Dallas 83
Dallas lost, but it turned out it was all just a dream.
Washington 101 Orlando 95
Play was stopped for 15 minutes shortly after tipoff as the referees attempted to force the players to tuck in their jerseys. None complied and the officials swore revenge.
New Jersey 58 Miami 44
In his pregame introduction, LeBron James rode onto the court on a Zamboni. The machine, traditionally used for ice hockey, left the floor very slick. Scoring proved difficult for both teams.
Boston 126 LA Clippers 75
Psychology played an important factor as the Celtics used their strong history and powerhouse reputation to dominate the known-loser Clippers.
Minnesota 100 Sacramento 99
Timberwolves center Brad Miller threw a white, oblong object into the basket as time expired to clinch a victory for Minnesota. The Kings argued that the object was one of Miller's shoes, but officials identified the object as a basketball. "No comment," said Miller as he hobbled off the court on his round, orange foot.
LA Lakers 98 Denver 88
Nuggets point guard Ty Lawson applied a mahogany finish to the official scorer's table at the end of the first quarter. The scorer rewarded Lawson with a hearty handshake.
In honor of 11-11-11, both teams agreed to play to an 11-all tie. This outcome was reached three minutes into the first quarter. Coincidentally, a total of 111 shot clock violations were recorded during the remainder of the contest. When asked why the teams did not agree to play to 111 points, Philadelphia head coach Doug Collins said that would be "kind of a pain."
Phoenix 104 Indiana 101
Steve Nash drop kicked a game-winning three-pointer as time expired. Nash explained the unorthodox shot as a result of a complex wager. "If I had won, Robin Lopez would've had to shoot a free throw with his tongue," said Nash.
Utah 109 Atlanta 95
A lunch mishap in a masonry yard earlier in the day resulted in Al Horford literally throwing up bricks.
New Orleans 21 Golden State 17
None of the players or officials noticed that the game ball had been switched with a beach ball until they realized the score was still tied at zero at the end of the third quarter.
Memphis 91 Dallas 83
Dallas lost, but it turned out it was all just a dream.
Washington 101 Orlando 95
Play was stopped for 15 minutes shortly after tipoff as the referees attempted to force the players to tuck in their jerseys. None complied and the officials swore revenge.
New Jersey 58 Miami 44
In his pregame introduction, LeBron James rode onto the court on a Zamboni. The machine, traditionally used for ice hockey, left the floor very slick. Scoring proved difficult for both teams.
Boston 126 LA Clippers 75
Psychology played an important factor as the Celtics used their strong history and powerhouse reputation to dominate the known-loser Clippers.
Minnesota 100 Sacramento 99
Timberwolves center Brad Miller threw a white, oblong object into the basket as time expired to clinch a victory for Minnesota. The Kings argued that the object was one of Miller's shoes, but officials identified the object as a basketball. "No comment," said Miller as he hobbled off the court on his round, orange foot.
LA Lakers 98 Denver 88
Nuggets point guard Ty Lawson applied a mahogany finish to the official scorer's table at the end of the first quarter. The scorer rewarded Lawson with a hearty handshake.
Thursday, November 10, 2011
Oklahoma City 104 Chicago 90
The Bulls were unable to recover after Derrick Rose was ejected in the 2nd quarter. Rose received several warnings, but was finally tossed after telling the referees numerous long jokes with disappointing punchlines. "Superman, you're a real jerk when you're drunk," Rose was heard to say as he left the court.
San Antonio 95 Portland 91
Tipoff was delayed for 90 minutes as singer Meredith Brooks struggled to remember the words to the national anthem.
The Bulls were unable to recover after Derrick Rose was ejected in the 2nd quarter. Rose received several warnings, but was finally tossed after telling the referees numerous long jokes with disappointing punchlines. "Superman, you're a real jerk when you're drunk," Rose was heard to say as he left the court.
San Antonio 95 Portland 91
Tipoff was delayed for 90 minutes as singer Meredith Brooks struggled to remember the words to the national anthem.
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
All games cancelled in honor of the 41st anniversary of Charles de Gaulle's death.
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
Houston 112 Indiana 104
Pacers point guard Darren Collison held a post-game news conference to announce he is not retiring. "Just thought you should know," said Collison.
Oklahoma City 99 New York 68
Knicks head coach Mike D'Antoni, inspired by the film Air Bud, inserted his dog into the game at the beginning of the second quarter. Ruffley proved ineffective on both ends of the court, making no shot attempts and wandering off the court during many crucial defensive series.
Memphis 105 Phoenix 86
Phoenix employed a unique quintuple-team defense against Grizzlies star Zach Randolph. The Suns successfully held Randolph to zero points, but Memphis' otherwise unfettered passing and shooting led to an insurmountable lead.
Miami 110 Utah 84
Jazz head coach Kevin O'Connor was criticized for his team's lackluster play against the Heat. O'Connor insisted that having LeBron James on his fantasy team was not a factor.
Chicago 89 LA Clippers 86
Several Clippers players admitted to feeling threatened after Bulls fans encouraged their team to "crush," "beat," and "destroy" the Clippers prior to the game. Legal action is pending.
Pacers point guard Darren Collison held a post-game news conference to announce he is not retiring. "Just thought you should know," said Collison.
Oklahoma City 99 New York 68
Knicks head coach Mike D'Antoni, inspired by the film Air Bud, inserted his dog into the game at the beginning of the second quarter. Ruffley proved ineffective on both ends of the court, making no shot attempts and wandering off the court during many crucial defensive series.
Memphis 105 Phoenix 86
Phoenix employed a unique quintuple-team defense against Grizzlies star Zach Randolph. The Suns successfully held Randolph to zero points, but Memphis' otherwise unfettered passing and shooting led to an insurmountable lead.
Miami 110 Utah 84
Jazz head coach Kevin O'Connor was criticized for his team's lackluster play against the Heat. O'Connor insisted that having LeBron James on his fantasy team was not a factor.
Chicago 89 LA Clippers 86
Several Clippers players admitted to feeling threatened after Bulls fans encouraged their team to "crush," "beat," and "destroy" the Clippers prior to the game. Legal action is pending.
Monday, November 7, 2011
Dallas 111 Toronto 103
Jason Kidd infuriated the crowd when he made an obscene gesture in the 4th quarter. After the game, dozens of fans beat Kidd in the parking lot with foam "#1" fingers. Kidd sustained a slight rash.
Denver 197 Cleveland 98
Nuggets point guard Ty Lawson snuck a deflated basketball into the game in one sock and a small air pump in the other. Once play began, Lawson inflated the basketball and began making short-range baskets whenever the officials were looking away. Before he was found out and ejected, Lawson racked up 126 points and the Cavs were unable to recover.
San Antonio 100 Golden State 90
The official scorer dozed off for the majority of the game. When awakened, he claimed, "No, I was paying attention. It was, like, 100 to 90, uh... San Antonio? Y'know, something like that, right?"
New Jersey 88 Milwaukee -101
The Bucks were enjoying an 11-point lead late in the 4th quarter when Milwaukee center Andrew Bogut stole a fan's popcorn during a timeout. Commissioner David Stern phoned the head official and ordered him to deduct 200 points from Milwaukee's score as punishment for Bogut's misconduct.
Sacramento 117 LA Lakers 87
Kings head coach Paul Westphal overslept and forgot his playbook and clipboard. Westphal's on-the-fly strategy of "make lots of baskets, keep the other team from scoring" led to a 30-point margin of victory.
Jason Kidd infuriated the crowd when he made an obscene gesture in the 4th quarter. After the game, dozens of fans beat Kidd in the parking lot with foam "#1" fingers. Kidd sustained a slight rash.
Denver 197 Cleveland 98
Nuggets point guard Ty Lawson snuck a deflated basketball into the game in one sock and a small air pump in the other. Once play began, Lawson inflated the basketball and began making short-range baskets whenever the officials were looking away. Before he was found out and ejected, Lawson racked up 126 points and the Cavs were unable to recover.
San Antonio 100 Golden State 90
The official scorer dozed off for the majority of the game. When awakened, he claimed, "No, I was paying attention. It was, like, 100 to 90, uh... San Antonio? Y'know, something like that, right?"
New Jersey 88 Milwaukee -101
The Bucks were enjoying an 11-point lead late in the 4th quarter when Milwaukee center Andrew Bogut stole a fan's popcorn during a timeout. Commissioner David Stern phoned the head official and ordered him to deduct 200 points from Milwaukee's score as punishment for Bogut's misconduct.
Sacramento 117 LA Lakers 87
Kings head coach Paul Westphal overslept and forgot his playbook and clipboard. Westphal's on-the-fly strategy of "make lots of baskets, keep the other team from scoring" led to a 30-point margin of victory.
Sunday, November 6, 2011
Cleveland 102 LA Clippers 101
The Clippers appeared to have clinched a win on Brian Cook's 2-pointer from the top of the key. However, the ball subsequently bounced off the floor and traveled upward back through the hoop. The officials declared this an un-basket, resulting in a 2 point deduction for Los Angeles.
Philadelphia 92 Orlando 84
The 76ers, inspired by the film Rocky, rallied from a 15-point deficit to defeat the Magic, who were unable to think of any good movies set in Orlando.
Portland 75 Phoenix 67
The game was cut short at the end of the 3rd quarter when both teams ran out of Gatorade.
Washington 106 Miami 102
Wizards point guard John Wall was on fire in the second half, going 12-for-14 before the flames completely engulfed him.
New York 105 Detroit 90
Ben Wallace attempted to fool the Knicks by painting a forced perspective drawing of a basketball court onto the side of the large boulder. New York's head coach later called the tactic "unrealistic."
New Orleans 99 LA Lakers 73
Kobe Bryant attempted to play through a coma, but had difficulty executing offensive schemes. Bryant managed to have a few opposing players trip over him, but he was largely ineffective on defense as well. A Lakers trainer described Bryant's condition as "less than 100%."
The Clippers appeared to have clinched a win on Brian Cook's 2-pointer from the top of the key. However, the ball subsequently bounced off the floor and traveled upward back through the hoop. The officials declared this an un-basket, resulting in a 2 point deduction for Los Angeles.
Philadelphia 92 Orlando 84
The 76ers, inspired by the film Rocky, rallied from a 15-point deficit to defeat the Magic, who were unable to think of any good movies set in Orlando.
Portland 75 Phoenix 67
The game was cut short at the end of the 3rd quarter when both teams ran out of Gatorade.
Washington 106 Miami 102
Wizards point guard John Wall was on fire in the second half, going 12-for-14 before the flames completely engulfed him.
New York 105 Detroit 90
Ben Wallace attempted to fool the Knicks by painting a forced perspective drawing of a basketball court onto the side of the large boulder. New York's head coach later called the tactic "unrealistic."
New Orleans 99 LA Lakers 73
Kobe Bryant attempted to play through a coma, but had difficulty executing offensive schemes. Bryant managed to have a few opposing players trip over him, but he was largely ineffective on defense as well. A Lakers trainer described Bryant's condition as "less than 100%."
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