Detroit 97 New Jersey 87
Pistons center Greg Monroe repeatedly taunted the crowd with sarcastic insults. "Ooh! A guy made a basket," he was heard to say. "What a thrill for you!"
Chicago 107 Atlanta 98
Derrick Rose recorded a quintuple-double with 10 hot dogs eaten, 14 shoe re-tyings, 11 sticks of gum, 10 minutes on the bench, and 25 contemplated fouls.
Charlotte 9.1 Memphis 8.3
To see if anyone would notice, the Bobcats and Grizzlies staged a slam dunk contest instead of a basketball game. Charlotte averaged a score of 9.1 out of 10 for their innovative slams, but Memphis only averaged 8.3 for their lackluster dunking. The Grizzlies vowed to even the score in their upcoming knockout contest.
Utah 85 Houston 79
The Jazz honored John Stockton by wearing tiny shorts. Houston honored one-time Rocket Scottie Pippen by refusing to tip their waitstaff.
New York 103 Milwaukee 101
Officials allowed both teams to add a member of their respective namesakes to their starting lineups. New York's knickerbocker, a New York citizen of Dutch descent, proved a more effective basketballer than Milwaukee's male deer.
New Orleans 92 Sacramento 73
Inspired by a Happy Days episode, the Kings encouraged their teammate, Darnell Jackson, to play despite his temporary blindness. Jackson went 1-for-26 from the floor and was benched in the 2nd quarter.
Washington 118 Orlando 40
Dwight Howard's boast that he could beat the Wizards single-handedly proved inaccurate. Howard had difficulty getting an open shot and struggled to cover the floor on defense.
Minnesota 42 Toronto 28
The scoreboard operator accidentally broadcast an NHL game on the stadium Jumbotron. Both teams were highly distracted by the hockey match and Minnesota apathetically cruised to a 14-point victory.
Boston 88 Indiana 82
The Celtics made mincemeat out of the Pacers by finely chopping their bodies and combining them with dried fruit.
Oklahoma City 95 Dallas 94
After hitting a game-winning shot, Kevin Durant personally hugged every person in the crowd. Durant has been charged with several counts of assault and is being treated for a variety of diseases.
Denver 106 Golden State 102
Warriors rookie Jeremy Tyler showed up five minutes late for the game. Golden State head coach Mark Jackson subsequently lost the game on purpose and sadistically told Tyler, "It's all your fault."
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