Orlando 22 Indiana 17
The league launched its experiment to replace leather basketballs with concrete ones. Scoring was limited, both backboards were badly damaged, and every player besides A.J. Price was injured.
LA Clippers 109 Houston 100
The Clippers got inside Rocket point guard Kyle Lowry's head. Lowry's cranium was irreparably damaged.
Phoenix 111 Detroit 92
Ben Gordon incited controversy when his new sneaker endorsement campaign was launched. Onlookers were baffled at his "I lose basketball games, then you buy my shoes and I get paid" slogan. Gordon went 0-for-39.
LA Lakers 98 Washington 97
Foolish Derek Fisher made an embarrassing free throw with one dumb second left on the stupid clock to seal an absurd victory for the buffoonish Lakers.
Friday, November 11, 2011
Milwaukee 11 Philadelphia 11
In honor of 11-11-11, both teams agreed to play to an 11-all tie. This outcome was reached three minutes into the first quarter. Coincidentally, a total of 111 shot clock violations were recorded during the remainder of the contest. When asked why the teams did not agree to play to 111 points, Philadelphia head coach Doug Collins said that would be "kind of a pain."
Phoenix 104 Indiana 101
Steve Nash drop kicked a game-winning three-pointer as time expired. Nash explained the unorthodox shot as a result of a complex wager. "If I had won, Robin Lopez would've had to shoot a free throw with his tongue," said Nash.
Utah 109 Atlanta 95
A lunch mishap in a masonry yard earlier in the day resulted in Al Horford literally throwing up bricks.
New Orleans 21 Golden State 17
None of the players or officials noticed that the game ball had been switched with a beach ball until they realized the score was still tied at zero at the end of the third quarter.
Memphis 91 Dallas 83
Dallas lost, but it turned out it was all just a dream.
Washington 101 Orlando 95
Play was stopped for 15 minutes shortly after tipoff as the referees attempted to force the players to tuck in their jerseys. None complied and the officials swore revenge.
New Jersey 58 Miami 44
In his pregame introduction, LeBron James rode onto the court on a Zamboni. The machine, traditionally used for ice hockey, left the floor very slick. Scoring proved difficult for both teams.
Boston 126 LA Clippers 75
Psychology played an important factor as the Celtics used their strong history and powerhouse reputation to dominate the known-loser Clippers.
Minnesota 100 Sacramento 99
Timberwolves center Brad Miller threw a white, oblong object into the basket as time expired to clinch a victory for Minnesota. The Kings argued that the object was one of Miller's shoes, but officials identified the object as a basketball. "No comment," said Miller as he hobbled off the court on his round, orange foot.
LA Lakers 98 Denver 88
Nuggets point guard Ty Lawson applied a mahogany finish to the official scorer's table at the end of the first quarter. The scorer rewarded Lawson with a hearty handshake.
In honor of 11-11-11, both teams agreed to play to an 11-all tie. This outcome was reached three minutes into the first quarter. Coincidentally, a total of 111 shot clock violations were recorded during the remainder of the contest. When asked why the teams did not agree to play to 111 points, Philadelphia head coach Doug Collins said that would be "kind of a pain."
Phoenix 104 Indiana 101
Steve Nash drop kicked a game-winning three-pointer as time expired. Nash explained the unorthodox shot as a result of a complex wager. "If I had won, Robin Lopez would've had to shoot a free throw with his tongue," said Nash.
Utah 109 Atlanta 95
A lunch mishap in a masonry yard earlier in the day resulted in Al Horford literally throwing up bricks.
New Orleans 21 Golden State 17
None of the players or officials noticed that the game ball had been switched with a beach ball until they realized the score was still tied at zero at the end of the third quarter.
Memphis 91 Dallas 83
Dallas lost, but it turned out it was all just a dream.
Washington 101 Orlando 95
Play was stopped for 15 minutes shortly after tipoff as the referees attempted to force the players to tuck in their jerseys. None complied and the officials swore revenge.
New Jersey 58 Miami 44
In his pregame introduction, LeBron James rode onto the court on a Zamboni. The machine, traditionally used for ice hockey, left the floor very slick. Scoring proved difficult for both teams.
Boston 126 LA Clippers 75
Psychology played an important factor as the Celtics used their strong history and powerhouse reputation to dominate the known-loser Clippers.
Minnesota 100 Sacramento 99
Timberwolves center Brad Miller threw a white, oblong object into the basket as time expired to clinch a victory for Minnesota. The Kings argued that the object was one of Miller's shoes, but officials identified the object as a basketball. "No comment," said Miller as he hobbled off the court on his round, orange foot.
LA Lakers 98 Denver 88
Nuggets point guard Ty Lawson applied a mahogany finish to the official scorer's table at the end of the first quarter. The scorer rewarded Lawson with a hearty handshake.
Thursday, November 10, 2011
Oklahoma City 104 Chicago 90
The Bulls were unable to recover after Derrick Rose was ejected in the 2nd quarter. Rose received several warnings, but was finally tossed after telling the referees numerous long jokes with disappointing punchlines. "Superman, you're a real jerk when you're drunk," Rose was heard to say as he left the court.
San Antonio 95 Portland 91
Tipoff was delayed for 90 minutes as singer Meredith Brooks struggled to remember the words to the national anthem.
The Bulls were unable to recover after Derrick Rose was ejected in the 2nd quarter. Rose received several warnings, but was finally tossed after telling the referees numerous long jokes with disappointing punchlines. "Superman, you're a real jerk when you're drunk," Rose was heard to say as he left the court.
San Antonio 95 Portland 91
Tipoff was delayed for 90 minutes as singer Meredith Brooks struggled to remember the words to the national anthem.
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
All games cancelled in honor of the 41st anniversary of Charles de Gaulle's death.
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
Houston 112 Indiana 104
Pacers point guard Darren Collison held a post-game news conference to announce he is not retiring. "Just thought you should know," said Collison.
Oklahoma City 99 New York 68
Knicks head coach Mike D'Antoni, inspired by the film Air Bud, inserted his dog into the game at the beginning of the second quarter. Ruffley proved ineffective on both ends of the court, making no shot attempts and wandering off the court during many crucial defensive series.
Memphis 105 Phoenix 86
Phoenix employed a unique quintuple-team defense against Grizzlies star Zach Randolph. The Suns successfully held Randolph to zero points, but Memphis' otherwise unfettered passing and shooting led to an insurmountable lead.
Miami 110 Utah 84
Jazz head coach Kevin O'Connor was criticized for his team's lackluster play against the Heat. O'Connor insisted that having LeBron James on his fantasy team was not a factor.
Chicago 89 LA Clippers 86
Several Clippers players admitted to feeling threatened after Bulls fans encouraged their team to "crush," "beat," and "destroy" the Clippers prior to the game. Legal action is pending.
Pacers point guard Darren Collison held a post-game news conference to announce he is not retiring. "Just thought you should know," said Collison.
Oklahoma City 99 New York 68
Knicks head coach Mike D'Antoni, inspired by the film Air Bud, inserted his dog into the game at the beginning of the second quarter. Ruffley proved ineffective on both ends of the court, making no shot attempts and wandering off the court during many crucial defensive series.
Memphis 105 Phoenix 86
Phoenix employed a unique quintuple-team defense against Grizzlies star Zach Randolph. The Suns successfully held Randolph to zero points, but Memphis' otherwise unfettered passing and shooting led to an insurmountable lead.
Miami 110 Utah 84
Jazz head coach Kevin O'Connor was criticized for his team's lackluster play against the Heat. O'Connor insisted that having LeBron James on his fantasy team was not a factor.
Chicago 89 LA Clippers 86
Several Clippers players admitted to feeling threatened after Bulls fans encouraged their team to "crush," "beat," and "destroy" the Clippers prior to the game. Legal action is pending.
Monday, November 7, 2011
Dallas 111 Toronto 103
Jason Kidd infuriated the crowd when he made an obscene gesture in the 4th quarter. After the game, dozens of fans beat Kidd in the parking lot with foam "#1" fingers. Kidd sustained a slight rash.
Denver 197 Cleveland 98
Nuggets point guard Ty Lawson snuck a deflated basketball into the game in one sock and a small air pump in the other. Once play began, Lawson inflated the basketball and began making short-range baskets whenever the officials were looking away. Before he was found out and ejected, Lawson racked up 126 points and the Cavs were unable to recover.
San Antonio 100 Golden State 90
The official scorer dozed off for the majority of the game. When awakened, he claimed, "No, I was paying attention. It was, like, 100 to 90, uh... San Antonio? Y'know, something like that, right?"
New Jersey 88 Milwaukee -101
The Bucks were enjoying an 11-point lead late in the 4th quarter when Milwaukee center Andrew Bogut stole a fan's popcorn during a timeout. Commissioner David Stern phoned the head official and ordered him to deduct 200 points from Milwaukee's score as punishment for Bogut's misconduct.
Sacramento 117 LA Lakers 87
Kings head coach Paul Westphal overslept and forgot his playbook and clipboard. Westphal's on-the-fly strategy of "make lots of baskets, keep the other team from scoring" led to a 30-point margin of victory.
Jason Kidd infuriated the crowd when he made an obscene gesture in the 4th quarter. After the game, dozens of fans beat Kidd in the parking lot with foam "#1" fingers. Kidd sustained a slight rash.
Denver 197 Cleveland 98
Nuggets point guard Ty Lawson snuck a deflated basketball into the game in one sock and a small air pump in the other. Once play began, Lawson inflated the basketball and began making short-range baskets whenever the officials were looking away. Before he was found out and ejected, Lawson racked up 126 points and the Cavs were unable to recover.
San Antonio 100 Golden State 90
The official scorer dozed off for the majority of the game. When awakened, he claimed, "No, I was paying attention. It was, like, 100 to 90, uh... San Antonio? Y'know, something like that, right?"
New Jersey 88 Milwaukee -101
The Bucks were enjoying an 11-point lead late in the 4th quarter when Milwaukee center Andrew Bogut stole a fan's popcorn during a timeout. Commissioner David Stern phoned the head official and ordered him to deduct 200 points from Milwaukee's score as punishment for Bogut's misconduct.
Sacramento 117 LA Lakers 87
Kings head coach Paul Westphal overslept and forgot his playbook and clipboard. Westphal's on-the-fly strategy of "make lots of baskets, keep the other team from scoring" led to a 30-point margin of victory.
Sunday, November 6, 2011
Cleveland 102 LA Clippers 101
The Clippers appeared to have clinched a win on Brian Cook's 2-pointer from the top of the key. However, the ball subsequently bounced off the floor and traveled upward back through the hoop. The officials declared this an un-basket, resulting in a 2 point deduction for Los Angeles.
Philadelphia 92 Orlando 84
The 76ers, inspired by the film Rocky, rallied from a 15-point deficit to defeat the Magic, who were unable to think of any good movies set in Orlando.
Portland 75 Phoenix 67
The game was cut short at the end of the 3rd quarter when both teams ran out of Gatorade.
Washington 106 Miami 102
Wizards point guard John Wall was on fire in the second half, going 12-for-14 before the flames completely engulfed him.
New York 105 Detroit 90
Ben Wallace attempted to fool the Knicks by painting a forced perspective drawing of a basketball court onto the side of the large boulder. New York's head coach later called the tactic "unrealistic."
New Orleans 99 LA Lakers 73
Kobe Bryant attempted to play through a coma, but had difficulty executing offensive schemes. Bryant managed to have a few opposing players trip over him, but he was largely ineffective on defense as well. A Lakers trainer described Bryant's condition as "less than 100%."
The Clippers appeared to have clinched a win on Brian Cook's 2-pointer from the top of the key. However, the ball subsequently bounced off the floor and traveled upward back through the hoop. The officials declared this an un-basket, resulting in a 2 point deduction for Los Angeles.
Philadelphia 92 Orlando 84
The 76ers, inspired by the film Rocky, rallied from a 15-point deficit to defeat the Magic, who were unable to think of any good movies set in Orlando.
Portland 75 Phoenix 67
The game was cut short at the end of the 3rd quarter when both teams ran out of Gatorade.
Washington 106 Miami 102
Wizards point guard John Wall was on fire in the second half, going 12-for-14 before the flames completely engulfed him.
New York 105 Detroit 90
Ben Wallace attempted to fool the Knicks by painting a forced perspective drawing of a basketball court onto the side of the large boulder. New York's head coach later called the tactic "unrealistic."
New Orleans 99 LA Lakers 73
Kobe Bryant attempted to play through a coma, but had difficulty executing offensive schemes. Bryant managed to have a few opposing players trip over him, but he was largely ineffective on defense as well. A Lakers trainer described Bryant's condition as "less than 100%."
Saturday, November 5, 2011
Detroit 97 New Jersey 87
Pistons center Greg Monroe repeatedly taunted the crowd with sarcastic insults. "Ooh! A guy made a basket," he was heard to say. "What a thrill for you!"
Chicago 107 Atlanta 98
Derrick Rose recorded a quintuple-double with 10 hot dogs eaten, 14 shoe re-tyings, 11 sticks of gum, 10 minutes on the bench, and 25 contemplated fouls.
Charlotte 9.1 Memphis 8.3
To see if anyone would notice, the Bobcats and Grizzlies staged a slam dunk contest instead of a basketball game. Charlotte averaged a score of 9.1 out of 10 for their innovative slams, but Memphis only averaged 8.3 for their lackluster dunking. The Grizzlies vowed to even the score in their upcoming knockout contest.
Utah 85 Houston 79
The Jazz honored John Stockton by wearing tiny shorts. Houston honored one-time Rocket Scottie Pippen by refusing to tip their waitstaff.
New York 103 Milwaukee 101
Officials allowed both teams to add a member of their respective namesakes to their starting lineups. New York's knickerbocker, a New York citizen of Dutch descent, proved a more effective basketballer than Milwaukee's male deer.
New Orleans 92 Sacramento 73
Inspired by a Happy Days episode, the Kings encouraged their teammate, Darnell Jackson, to play despite his temporary blindness. Jackson went 1-for-26 from the floor and was benched in the 2nd quarter.
Washington 118 Orlando 40
Dwight Howard's boast that he could beat the Wizards single-handedly proved inaccurate. Howard had difficulty getting an open shot and struggled to cover the floor on defense.
Minnesota 42 Toronto 28
The scoreboard operator accidentally broadcast an NHL game on the stadium Jumbotron. Both teams were highly distracted by the hockey match and Minnesota apathetically cruised to a 14-point victory.
Boston 88 Indiana 82
The Celtics made mincemeat out of the Pacers by finely chopping their bodies and combining them with dried fruit.
Oklahoma City 95 Dallas 94
After hitting a game-winning shot, Kevin Durant personally hugged every person in the crowd. Durant has been charged with several counts of assault and is being treated for a variety of diseases.
Denver 106 Golden State 102
Warriors rookie Jeremy Tyler showed up five minutes late for the game. Golden State head coach Mark Jackson subsequently lost the game on purpose and sadistically told Tyler, "It's all your fault."
Pistons center Greg Monroe repeatedly taunted the crowd with sarcastic insults. "Ooh! A guy made a basket," he was heard to say. "What a thrill for you!"
Chicago 107 Atlanta 98
Derrick Rose recorded a quintuple-double with 10 hot dogs eaten, 14 shoe re-tyings, 11 sticks of gum, 10 minutes on the bench, and 25 contemplated fouls.
Charlotte 9.1 Memphis 8.3
To see if anyone would notice, the Bobcats and Grizzlies staged a slam dunk contest instead of a basketball game. Charlotte averaged a score of 9.1 out of 10 for their innovative slams, but Memphis only averaged 8.3 for their lackluster dunking. The Grizzlies vowed to even the score in their upcoming knockout contest.
Utah 85 Houston 79
The Jazz honored John Stockton by wearing tiny shorts. Houston honored one-time Rocket Scottie Pippen by refusing to tip their waitstaff.
New York 103 Milwaukee 101
Officials allowed both teams to add a member of their respective namesakes to their starting lineups. New York's knickerbocker, a New York citizen of Dutch descent, proved a more effective basketballer than Milwaukee's male deer.
New Orleans 92 Sacramento 73
Inspired by a Happy Days episode, the Kings encouraged their teammate, Darnell Jackson, to play despite his temporary blindness. Jackson went 1-for-26 from the floor and was benched in the 2nd quarter.
Washington 118 Orlando 40
Dwight Howard's boast that he could beat the Wizards single-handedly proved inaccurate. Howard had difficulty getting an open shot and struggled to cover the floor on defense.
Minnesota 42 Toronto 28
The scoreboard operator accidentally broadcast an NHL game on the stadium Jumbotron. Both teams were highly distracted by the hockey match and Minnesota apathetically cruised to a 14-point victory.
Boston 88 Indiana 82
The Celtics made mincemeat out of the Pacers by finely chopping their bodies and combining them with dried fruit.
Oklahoma City 95 Dallas 94
After hitting a game-winning shot, Kevin Durant personally hugged every person in the crowd. Durant has been charged with several counts of assault and is being treated for a variety of diseases.
Denver 106 Golden State 102
Warriors rookie Jeremy Tyler showed up five minutes late for the game. Golden State head coach Mark Jackson subsequently lost the game on purpose and sadistically told Tyler, "It's all your fault."
Friday, November 4, 2011
Minnesota 89 Philadelphia 80
Chaos ensued late in the 4th quarter as a hot dog vendor attempted to cut across the court during gameplay. All but three players survived.
Cleveland 99 Toronto 94
The Cavs debuted their new carpeted court. Many players reported difficulty dribbling and several were treated for rugburn, but Cavaliers owner Dan Gilbert said the setbacks were "worth it."
Indiana 90 Oklahoma City 86
Fans were outraged when the janitorial crew failed to Windex the glass backboards prior to the game. The ensuing riot left seven dead.
LA Lakers 102.5 Phoenix 99
Lamar Odom's 4th quarter 360-dunk resulted in a 12 minute standing ovation from the capacity crowd. Before play resumed, the officiating crew also awarded Odom an additional half of a point in recognition of his achievement.
Portland 45 LA Clippers 42
The head coaches of both teams met at halftime and agreed they were "not really into it." The arena was silent as the last 24 minutes of game time ticked away into eternity.
Milwaukee 100 Charlotte 87
Prior to the game, Michael Jordan stuck his tongue out, retired several times, starred in a terrible movie, and looked at guys' underwear.
Boston 75 Atlanta 60
A large raccoon found its way onto the court in the 3rd quarter. The players chose to use the raccoon instead of a regulation basketball. After the game, animal rights activists described the incident as "hilarious."
Dallas 178 San Antonio 177
None of the players were messed with in this all-Texas matchup. Tim Duncan had a chance to tie or win the game, but missed two crucial free throws with one second remaining. Duncan later claimed he had been distracted by his remembrance of the Alamo.
Oakland 1 Sacramento 0
Sacramento agreed to forfeit the game if the Warriors would change the name of their location to a real place.
Chaos ensued late in the 4th quarter as a hot dog vendor attempted to cut across the court during gameplay. All but three players survived.
Cleveland 99 Toronto 94
The Cavs debuted their new carpeted court. Many players reported difficulty dribbling and several were treated for rugburn, but Cavaliers owner Dan Gilbert said the setbacks were "worth it."
Indiana 90 Oklahoma City 86
Fans were outraged when the janitorial crew failed to Windex the glass backboards prior to the game. The ensuing riot left seven dead.
LA Lakers 102.5 Phoenix 99
Lamar Odom's 4th quarter 360-dunk resulted in a 12 minute standing ovation from the capacity crowd. Before play resumed, the officiating crew also awarded Odom an additional half of a point in recognition of his achievement.
Portland 45 LA Clippers 42
The head coaches of both teams met at halftime and agreed they were "not really into it." The arena was silent as the last 24 minutes of game time ticked away into eternity.
Milwaukee 100 Charlotte 87
Prior to the game, Michael Jordan stuck his tongue out, retired several times, starred in a terrible movie, and looked at guys' underwear.
Boston 75 Atlanta 60
A large raccoon found its way onto the court in the 3rd quarter. The players chose to use the raccoon instead of a regulation basketball. After the game, animal rights activists described the incident as "hilarious."
Dallas 178 San Antonio 177
None of the players were messed with in this all-Texas matchup. Tim Duncan had a chance to tie or win the game, but missed two crucial free throws with one second remaining. Duncan later claimed he had been distracted by his remembrance of the Alamo.
Oakland 1 Sacramento 0
Sacramento agreed to forfeit the game if the Warriors would change the name of their location to a real place.
Thursday, November 3, 2011
Orlando 105 Miami 102
The Heat jumped out to a 49-7 lead early in the game, but their lead was reduced to 12 points when it was discovered the official scorer had confused basketball and football. Adding to the confusion was the game-winning three-point field goal that Brandon Bass nailed from 28 yards away.
Portland 70 Denver 61
Fatigue played an important role as both teams chose to nap in the locker room for most of the second half. Greg Oden drowsily hit three straight lethargic 3-pointers to end the game and was applauded loudly by the remaining fan.
Utah 95 Memphis 15
Early in the first quarter, a referee declared that Memphis players were only allowed two passes per possession and could only shoot from beyond the half court line. The Grizzlies suffered from shooting accuracy problems from that point on, going just 2-for-47 from the floor. In his post-game comments, Memphis coach Lionel Hollins expressed displeasure with the officiating.
The Heat jumped out to a 49-7 lead early in the game, but their lead was reduced to 12 points when it was discovered the official scorer had confused basketball and football. Adding to the confusion was the game-winning three-point field goal that Brandon Bass nailed from 28 yards away.
Portland 70 Denver 61
Fatigue played an important role as both teams chose to nap in the locker room for most of the second half. Greg Oden drowsily hit three straight lethargic 3-pointers to end the game and was applauded loudly by the remaining fan.
Utah 95 Memphis 15
Early in the first quarter, a referee declared that Memphis players were only allowed two passes per possession and could only shoot from beyond the half court line. The Grizzlies suffered from shooting accuracy problems from that point on, going just 2-for-47 from the floor. In his post-game comments, Memphis coach Lionel Hollins expressed displeasure with the officiating.
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
Philadelphia 745 Toronto 683
In a move met with much controversy, officials allowed ten separate basketballs to remain in play for the entire duration of the game. Each of Toronto's starters accumulated triple-digit point totals, with the exception of Amir Johnson who was ejected in the first quarter for shattering the backboard when he sang a very high-pitched note.
Charlotte 96 Orlando 89
Matt Carroll shattered Karl Malone's single-game record by drinking 78 cups of Gatorade over the course of the game. "I was very thirsty," said Carroll.
Indiana 111 Detroit 110
Detroit point guard Will Bynum scored 99 points, going 33-for-35 from three-point territory. However, he intentionally missed two free throws with two seconds remaining in regulation. Bynum described his actions as a "religious statement."
New Orleans 163 Chicago 44
In a tribute to the 1996-97 championship team, each Bulls player kicked a cameraman in the groin early in the third quarter. Chicago's entire roster was ejected, and New Orleans went on a 106-0 run to finish the game.
Milwaukee - San Antonio (postponed)
Officials forgot to bring a ball. A makeup date has not been announced.
Houston 30 Sacramento 18
Houston center Hasheem Thabeet put on a one-man show, singing the national anthem, scoring all points for both teams, operating the scoreboard, performing a dance routine at halftime, running the concession stands, and writing this recap. [HT]
LA Lakers 91 Golden State 87
The Lakers held on to win despite Kobe Bryant leaving the game in the 4th quarter due to a mild coma. The team physician said Bryant will return to play when and if he wakes up.
Washington 3 New Jersey 2 (7 OT)
Both teams had severe difficulty handling and shooting the ball. After the score remained tied at zero at the end of septuple overtime, the officials allowed the coaches to use a best-of-three rock-paper-scissors match to determine a winner. Washington narrowly won, 3-2 (paper-rock, rock-paper, scissors-paper). Commissioner David Stern later revealed the game ball had been switched with a pile of melting butter.
Boston 56 Cleveland 50
A drunken fan spilled a bucket of paint onto the court prior to the game rendering all lines on the court impossible to see. Cleveland head coach Byron Scott said he will contest the final score, claiming each of his team's 25 field goals were shot in what would normally be considered three-point territory.
Atlanta 888 Minnesota 888
The game ended in an 888-all draw when gameplay was stopped for scoreboard maintenance.
New York 101 Miami 99
LeBron James recorded triple-doubles on behalf of both teams. After the game, the Heat immediately suspended James on suspicion of treason.
Oklahoma City 81 Phoenix 72
Scoring was sparse in the second half after a fan won a new car at halftime and refused to remove it from the court.
LA Clippers 96 Memphis 92
Prior to the game, the Clippers retired the number 99 in honor of Wayne Gretzky's eight memorable seasons with the Los Angeles Kings and Manny Ramirez's one good half-season with the Dodgers. Shaquille O'Neal was on hand to give an unintelligible speech.
In a move met with much controversy, officials allowed ten separate basketballs to remain in play for the entire duration of the game. Each of Toronto's starters accumulated triple-digit point totals, with the exception of Amir Johnson who was ejected in the first quarter for shattering the backboard when he sang a very high-pitched note.
Charlotte 96 Orlando 89
Matt Carroll shattered Karl Malone's single-game record by drinking 78 cups of Gatorade over the course of the game. "I was very thirsty," said Carroll.
Indiana 111 Detroit 110
Detroit point guard Will Bynum scored 99 points, going 33-for-35 from three-point territory. However, he intentionally missed two free throws with two seconds remaining in regulation. Bynum described his actions as a "religious statement."
New Orleans 163 Chicago 44
In a tribute to the 1996-97 championship team, each Bulls player kicked a cameraman in the groin early in the third quarter. Chicago's entire roster was ejected, and New Orleans went on a 106-0 run to finish the game.
Milwaukee - San Antonio (postponed)
Officials forgot to bring a ball. A makeup date has not been announced.
Houston 30 Sacramento 18
Houston center Hasheem Thabeet put on a one-man show, singing the national anthem, scoring all points for both teams, operating the scoreboard, performing a dance routine at halftime, running the concession stands, and writing this recap. [HT]
LA Lakers 91 Golden State 87
The Lakers held on to win despite Kobe Bryant leaving the game in the 4th quarter due to a mild coma. The team physician said Bryant will return to play when and if he wakes up.
Washington 3 New Jersey 2 (7 OT)
Both teams had severe difficulty handling and shooting the ball. After the score remained tied at zero at the end of septuple overtime, the officials allowed the coaches to use a best-of-three rock-paper-scissors match to determine a winner. Washington narrowly won, 3-2 (paper-rock, rock-paper, scissors-paper). Commissioner David Stern later revealed the game ball had been switched with a pile of melting butter.
Boston 56 Cleveland 50
A drunken fan spilled a bucket of paint onto the court prior to the game rendering all lines on the court impossible to see. Cleveland head coach Byron Scott said he will contest the final score, claiming each of his team's 25 field goals were shot in what would normally be considered three-point territory.
Atlanta 888 Minnesota 888
The game ended in an 888-all draw when gameplay was stopped for scoreboard maintenance.
New York 101 Miami 99
LeBron James recorded triple-doubles on behalf of both teams. After the game, the Heat immediately suspended James on suspicion of treason.
Oklahoma City 81 Phoenix 72
Scoring was sparse in the second half after a fan won a new car at halftime and refused to remove it from the court.
LA Clippers 96 Memphis 92
Prior to the game, the Clippers retired the number 99 in honor of Wayne Gretzky's eight memorable seasons with the Los Angeles Kings and Manny Ramirez's one good half-season with the Dodgers. Shaquille O'Neal was on hand to give an unintelligible speech.
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